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A. Today in phonetics we had to listen to the tape recording of us reading a Pushkin poem in early September right when we arrived. In short, I was appalled by my speaking ability (or lack thereof). I was also appalled by what my voice actually sounds like. But that always happens when I have to hear myself on message machines or such. It doesn’t even sound like Russian when I speak. Then we listened to the recording we just recorded today. And there were differences. So that was good. Apparently I discovered in the past 3 months that there are “soft” letters/sounds in Russian language and so it sounds a little better. But it’s still so atrocious. Maybe I should be optimistic. “Look at the process you made in only three months.” “Recognize your ability to tell the difference between good Russian and bad Russian, because that is the first step to reaching a level of good Russian.” Oh god, but it is so bad.

Б. And I feel like the Russian I speak in the university is like 10 times better than any Russian I speak on the street. Like, I can’t try to conjugate a verb correctly or worry about the soft “l” that I am supposed to be articulating because I am too busy trying to not get hit in traffic. I also just feel like I’ve gotten lazy in Russian. Like I never really study that much anymore. And if I do, I don’t spend my time memorizing vocabulary words. I guess it’s not my vocabulary that limits me so much. It’s just like the more “real” Russian I hear, the more aware I become of the little constructions and nuances that I completely understand but never remember when I am trying to formulate my thoughts. And then I try to defend myself that I have reached a functional level in Russia where I can buy train tickets and buy tickets to hockey games and concerts and theatres and reserve hotel rooms and read the newspaper and come away understanding the basic thoughts and etc. and so maybe I should stop worrying about the grammar and awkward constructions and accent. But it’s still really worrisome. And I don’t really know what the answer is. I guess I should just make myself talk more. I know that the answer is not “Go back to Midd and don’t take a Russian class for the spring.” But that’s what I have to do.

В. What is the difference between when we say “I have” and we say “I have got” because Vacilica’s husband Aleksei refuses to believe me that there is really no difference. And that maybe the only difference is that “I have got” is conversational and I would never write that. Plus I feel like I never actually say “I have got.” But that is what he always says, plus that’s what they teach in the English textbook at School Number 4 where I teach, and I don’t want to ruin their whole “I have got…” construction.

Г. This is still related to me complaining about how bad I am at Russian. So at some point in my study of Russian I realized that they don’t use the construction “Me and Sonya” (shout-out to Sonya!), instead Russians would say “We with Sonya.” So I started using this form. And at first I feel like an imposter, like this is some construction only allowed to be used by people who actually speak the language. But then you get over it and you go about explaining how “We with the babyshka watch ‘Dances on the Ice’ every Sunday night.” And you feel like you cracked this code and it is awesome. And then today in grammar, our professor explained that when foreigners use the construction “Me and Sonya” it sounds to a Russian like I actually involved in said activity and was forced to drag Sonya along as like a suitcase that I was pulling behind me. Like Sonya becomes a very unappreciated and insulted participant in said activity. So apparently I didn’t crack any secret code when I began saying “We with Sonya,” I just made it sound like Sonya was an actual person who was equally involved in such activity and she stopped being some large bulky useless item/person which I dragged along behind me.

Д. Also you can’t say “я голодна” “I’m hungry” because that is automatically a foreigner construction and Russians understand what you are saying, but secretly think you are a weirdo. You are supposed to say some huge long verb which I will now be forced to go look up in a dictionary. Returned. Said verb. Проголодаться (с.в.) So now I will try to remember to say я проголодалась.

Е. Why am I always exhausted when I wake up at like 7:15. But now it is 1:00 a.m. and I am not going to bed and instead typing this blog.

Ё. Every day I involve myself in this huge battle (this battle only occurs in my head) of “stay or go.” Haha. You all thought I had decided weeks ago that I was going back to Midd for the spring. And I did decide. Except now everyday I want to stay here more and more. Not that I ever really wanted to leave that much. It just seemed like a responsible choice to go home and finish college. So then I made the mistake of asking Megan what would happen if I told her now that I actually wanted to stay. And she said “We would figure it out.” This was not the correct answer. The correct answer would have been. “Abby, you already made your choice. You have to leave.” But I am going to leave. And then I will be able to come back. And it will all be okay. But I can’t actually guarantee that I get on my plane leaving Moscow. That sounds like one of the most ridiculous things I have ever thought. After all, the only reason I got on the plane to Frankfurt and Moscow was because I couldn’t abandon Natalie and SpongeBob (disguised in the pea coat) in the New York airport.

Ж. Are you allowed to гулать by yourself or does such activity require you to have companions?
И. Vacilica asked me different English words which mean crazy person and I came up with fool and idiot and then……..LOON. And I didn’t know if I should share with her this gold mine of a word (you’re definitely not allowed to say gold mine of a word…). But then I told her and she totally didn’t understand that I had just revealed to her the best word in the English language. She didn’t understand that she had been let into this secret group of people who know and utilize the word loon in their daily speech. She didn’t understand that she had been revealed a secret English word which will someday sweep the English speaking world and possibly get adopted into Russian and take various case forms so there will be много лунов and people will spend their time talking about сумасшедших лунах.

К. Life is so much easier when I am in my “selfish don’t change the world” mode. But then I get in this “change the world” mode and it’s just so exhausting to be affected by everyone else’s problems. It’s not everyone though. It’s just the kids. Maybe I should feel bad for all of the really poor Russian grandmothers living alone because their husbands already died and barely surviving on their small pension payments. But I don’t really feel that bad for them. This is going to sound really mean, but I feel like I approach them as more of historical relics from the Soviet Union than as real people. Oh man. I am a horrible person. Anyways, the babyshkas don’t tug at my heart strings. Why do I use all of these strange English idioms now? The kids do though. Not all of the kids. The kids at School 4 where I teach English are really cute, but they don’t get to me. They’re all 10 years old and they already have 2 cell phones each. These kids are rich. Well their parents are. As Margarita would say in her disgusted tone “бизнес…” (business). I am ashamed of my cell phone when I enter School Number 4. But it’s the other kids who don’t have money and don’t really have much of a future. Like I walk past the little boys playing hockey on the sidewalk and well mainly I just want to play hockey with them, but I also just want to take care of them.

Л. So now I have to return to Russia to personally take care of all the poor and mistreated Russian children. This is what I felt like when I was in New Orleans. That somebody just needed to do something for these kids. But then the feeling fades and you sort of realize you can’t change the whole world and so maybe it’s not worth spending all your time stressing about it. But I feel like I’ve changed my “change the world itself” life plan to a “change the world one child at a time” life view.

М. Agh. This is completely not about Russia. Also it is 2:10 in the morning and I am still typing this. I am going to not be happy when the alarm on my phone goes into its shrilly, peppy alarm ring tomorrow (today) morning.

Н. Now it is Thursday morning. And I am running out of time to write this. Soon (actually like right now), I have to leave to go to the university so that I can use the internet and then go teach English and then go to basketball practice and then come home and eat dinner and do my homework (write the final 3 pages of my 20 pg. politics paper!).

О. There’s lots of other important things to write about:
-I went to another Loko game. It was awesome, as usual. We won 4-2. And came back from 2-1 losing margin entering the 3rd period.
-If you are wondering how to say a gay person came out of the closet in Russian, you just say выйти из шкафа which translates directly as to walk out of the closet. This is brilliant.
-I’m leaving Yaroslavl on Dec. 17, but then Susanna and I are coming back for 2 days on our way to Piter. But still this is amazingly depressing. And also worrisome because somehow I have to get the multiple like billion pound suitcases to Moscow so that they can stay in my friend’s house there until I return at the end of January to fly to New York. Except I don’t want to have to pay like 3,000 roubles to take a cab to Moscow. But the train would be like extremely atrocious with the suitcases. So I think I am just going to throw everything away, leave it all in Russia. I’m sort of kidding. But I’m sort of not.
Things That Would Not Be Thrown Away:
-hockey skates and gloves
-souvenirs I have bought for people
-my awesome fur hooded winter coat
-possibly 3 pairs of pants and some sweaters
-laptop
-my boots
-the rest could really just be thrown away

П. Ahhhh, now I am late leaving the apartment.

Kitty…
С Днём Рождения!!!
Happy Birthday!!!